I was listening to The Life Coach School Podcast, with Brooke Castillo. She has a whole "model" she created in which she teaches you how to change your thought pattern. She believes that "your thoughts are not necessarily what’s true; your thoughts are what's familiar." In other words, we often create a pattern of thinking based on things that might have happened to us, or habits we have formed over the years, but we really don't have any good "proof" for those thoughts.
I got a little obsessed with this when she said something that really made sense to me: "Everything you do is because of a feeling." What she explained was that all of our actions are driven either by trying to create a feeling we think we will get if I do something, OR a feeling we are trying to avoid by not getting it. Figure out what feeling you’re trying to get or avoid and then work on changing your thought pattern FIRST, before you try to change your actions. If you try to change your actions first, you’re not going to get results because you’re working against that thought pattern every time you act. I'm going to answer her set of questions here to figure out why I am so negative and cry every time I go to the Reproductive Endocrinologist for infertility treatments/ procedures. What do you feel that makes you so pessimistic? Fear & dread of pregnancy/ motherhood What are the thoughts that causes that feeling? I can’t control my pregnant body or birth. I will get really fat/ be in a lot of pain. I can't control my child's behavior or keep bad things from happening to him/her. There will be too much to do. I won't have any time for myself or my husband or my friends. I will never lose the baby weight. I won't be able to drink to distract or numb my emotions or help my social anxiety during events. I will be the only one doing any work while I'm pregnant and after the baby comes. Ajay won't help me enough. Where do these thoughts come from? I have heard horror stories about pregnancy and birth. I know a lot of women who have carried babies all the way through 9 months and then lost them. I've seen a lot of my friends and a lot of women I know completely lose themselves once the baby is born. I've seen a lot of men run/ leave/ not know what to do to help raise the child. I'm adopted so maybe somewhere in me I feel like I ruined my biological mom's life and maybe my dad's too. Also, I've relied on alcohol so much to get to me through certain events that it's become a habit over the last 20 years. Does it make sense in this situation? Does it really apply to this present one? It does make a little bit of sense to think some of this but it doesn't necessarily have to apply. Ajay and I are both kind of clueless about raising children but that doesn't mean we can't figure it out. My biological parents made decisions that had nothing to do with me, so I can't feel guilty about something I didn't get to decide for myself. If I get used to not drinking at events, I can probably get through them okay. Ajay cannot get pregnant, so there is nothing he can do about that part. What proof do you have against the thought? There are people I know who enjoyed their pregnancy and had decent birth experiences. Many friends of mine have multiple children so they at least wanted to do it again! I'm pretty healthy and have taken good care of body for almost 20 years. I have been a teacher a long time and have some pretty tight relationships with so many former and current students. I am great with my friends' children and Ajay's nieces love me. I have a very nurturing side that I can access if I just allow it. I didn't want a dog and look how much I love Phillip. There are things I don't know how to do and won't be good at but that doesn't mean I can't learn or ask for help. Ajay has been working his butt off to prove to me that he can do things like take care of Phillip, do laundry, wash dishes, cook, and handle bills. He loves children so much and really wants to be a father. My adoptive parents WANTED me and have always put me first, so I didn't ruin their lives! What will be different when you get what you want (pregnant)? I will have a lack of control to some extent over my body. I will have to stop drinking altogether. I will have to lighten up on workouts at some point. I will experience things I don't even know about yet. What will be exactly the same? I can still control what I eat, how much I move (to some degree). I will still have Ajay to support me through the changes. I will still have Phillip. What do I want to feel? Freedom! like I can be healthy and know myself and do what I want to . (This is also why I over eat and binge, by the way! I want to feel like I have control over my decisions and my life.) What do I want to avoid? I want to avoid feeling trapped, pinned down, and forced into a corner. I want to avoid being taken for granted. Solutions/ NEW THOUGHTS to start thinking: I can still have freedom as long as Ajay helps me - and maybe if I can stay home for a while or if we are able to hire help for a few hours a day. I don't have to feel trapped as long as I am able to express what I need and want. We can establish some rules and routines that could help us both feel like we are not doing this alone and not drowning. We can also express to our child that sometimes he or she is not going to get what he/she wants all the time. SO YEAH! This is a starting point. Now I turn it out to you, Dear Reader! I would appreciate any comments or advice about pregnancy (or at least motherhood if we have to adopt)! What is working for you? What do you wish you had done instead? What did you do differently with the second or third pregnancy or child?
2 Comments
Charlotte
10/9/2018 06:01:15 am
I was super healthy during my pregnancies. I was extremely cognizant of the life I was caring and their needs superseded my own. I developed gestational diabetes with both pregnancies not because I wasn’t caring for myself, rather I was genetically predisposed. I adjusted. I was very meticulous in my meal planning and exercise (moderate walking right up to the day of delivery). I craved vanilla soft serve custard cones everyday at 7 pm on the dot with my first and pineapple with my second. I learned I could eat this even though I was diabetic as long as I walked to burn the sugar. I adjusted. I would walk while eatingfmy cone or pineapple. What I struggled with was not the physical. I struggled and continue to struggle with the emotional. I learned early on I would be doing this by myself. I went through all the emotions that knowledge brings to the surface. Not everyday is rainbows and unicorns. Some days are demons and hell fires, but I adjust. I understand I cannot be everything to them, no matter how much I’d like to be. I knew early on I would not be their friend but their parent. I knew they would hate me most days, love me others. Every day we learn from each other. I don’t listen to other people’s opinions. I do what works for the three of us. I don’t lie to them, ever. I don’t do their homework, or force them to do it. Their grades are a reflection of their efforts or lack thereod, just as their life will be. I am clear with them. They know I provide the foundation and the tools necessary to succeed, BUT it is up to them what they choose to do with it. We are in a tough stage right now, teenagers can be manipulative and selfish. However, they can also be generous, loving and kind. The toughest part of this process is letting go. I chose to immerse myself completely in raising them, it was an escape and an excuse to avoid relationships... all relationships. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I let my body go so no one would look at me and find me attractive. I became more stand-offish so no one would want to get to know me. I regret that. I should have been more open to relationships, friendships etc. it would have been beneficial for me and my children.
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Noelle Patel
10/9/2018 12:32:36 pm
Thank you so much, Charlotte, for taking the time to reflect on this and to be honest about what was and what was not in your control. As you know, I am so afraid of what I don't know, but when it affects the lives of anyone I'll be responsible for, it really can paralyze me. I don't want to be selfish but I do want to care for myself while I care for them. I love you so much for this :)
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